I finished the treatment, half way thru an MRI to detect cancer was requested. They cannot biopsy so they cannot know for sure but they say cancer. A biopsy could and most likely would cause a bleed out, it would spread the cancer if it is cancer. They want to lazier burn it but it could cause me to bleed out again, it could easily go wrong since I am a hard mass of cirrhosis inside my liver. My doctor is furious because I will not do the lazier burn, I have almost bled to death twice now. The burn will not cure the cancer they believe is there. I need a transplant so the cancer in my liver is gone, its the only way. Transplants are like miracles, they happen only for a few especially on this island, ten a year. This is an Asian island, I am not Asian but English and Cherokee and my matching liver has to be my size and my blood type, it has to be someone on the islands, the mainland is too far.
I have picked myself up alone. I am exercising 7 to 9 hours a week. I am eating only health food and I have given up sugar. I rest lots. I am almost always alone. I have done it though. I started the first of August as soon as I finished the poison that killed the virus and maybe created a cancerous tumor. Its possible but it cannot be proven but then I look for no proof.
Much to my surprise almost every friend I had moved back many paces emotionally and physically. I have accepted this as their right. Life goes on for them. Life goes on for me. I think somehow I had a fairy tale notion of people stepping up and telling me in someway how much I meant to them. A few have. What I learned is they might as well be millions, being loved by a few is rich.
Still, I propel myself forward into the unknown present. It appears to me the future is known, its certain. But that truth exists for everyone. Its just that the doctors handed me a verdict, they posted signs, sounded the alarms and they have an agenda they believe in even if I don’t. My present is chock full of beauty: ocean, island breeze, roaring surf, a garden filled with doves lots of living phenomena.
I do not feel weaker, I feel stronger. I feel more alive than I have. I feel as alive as I ever have. My focus is sharper. Reality is clear. The veils are lifted…
I am living in a state of awe.
December 5, 2014
I had an audience on the beach yesterday while hoop dancing. The beach here is almost always empty, neighbors come and go, there are a few tourist now and then but its the opposite of the circus of characters where I lived on Sunset Beach which is only one surf break along the seven mile miracle as its called.
I hoop now for myself, I am not sure what I would do without hoop dancing to music under the sun, moon, stars, under the Papaya trees in the garden. Spinning in the color, the order, the beauty of butterflies and doves is saving me from one day to the next. I seem to have given up on almost everyone and everything except my spinning.
I know so well how quickly my happiness can be ripped from me. I know how suddenly it happens. I’ve turned deeply in on myself. I was thrilled and honored to woo my audience in the distance down the beach from me but I quickly found myself turning away from them and into my own world.
I hoop for clouds and their patterns, their motion against the most perfect blue sky. I am a freak now, its the clouds I long to kiss, that shade of blue I would die to be embraced in. The warmth of the sun ‘s touch on my near naked body is the embodiment of my most perfect lover’s hands.
If that one little tumor is cancer, if it is growing, I cannot feel it. If its holding steady, I cannot feel that. If its not cancer and their guess is wrong, I cannot feel that either.
I turn 63 on Saturday, I feel that. I feel the full moon over my garden and wooded shore. I feel every happy day I have ever know in my life. Its as if I am 22 and have begun again. I feel the joy I knew in every age I have been. It was my goal to be rich in memory by this age and I am. I have been so well loved in life that I can only dare hope those who gave me love feel thats what they too had from our meeting in life, forever how long or however brief.
I am hoop dancing eight and ten hours a week now. I am a one woman Pony act…