Living with Liver Failure

This is how I live now. If I can get up and cycle, I do. It still does for me everything it always has. It has become my faith in life. If I can cycle then I believe anything and everything is possible. The morning of these images, I got up after two days in bed, one of them I was pinned down and in pain for hours as my liver tried to balance and perform all its more than 500 functions. I live knowing that I can black out from a drop in electrolytes or from sudden rupture of varices deep in my esophagus or my portal vein could burst. My platelet count is so low, I wouldn’t last long, electrolites and blood would spill. Its a huge load to carry around in my head. Its no wonder, cancer seems a smaller issue but the encapsulated tumor I have went from not growing at all the first year to becoming huge the second year. It was a remarkable jump in size. It now depletes me of a lot of energy. But its remarkable how strong my body and spirit still are. I can still exercise extremely hard most weeks 4 to 7 hours. I’d rather give in and rest than perform moderate exercise but at times I can fall ill enough that I am grateful to walk the dog or if I cannot hold her leash at least I can amble along with my beach cane. I try not to worry. Its non productive work. It can incite fear as well as anger. We all live one moment at a time. The only things that can eat at me are ascites and the painful symptoms of it which hold me down in bed not moving. Not moving is the hardest thing I surrender to. It pisses me off and then I go against my love for people and life. Its hard to get out from under the depression lack of hard exercise instills in my core being. Its suffocating. I cycled hard yesterday. I even took the dog out on the beach cruiser I run her with. I was lucky this morning and got my food shopping finished so now I rest. I have chores later and I got to at least hoop dance this afternoon at sunset. There’s a lot of living in one day…7/15/16