Just Breathe

This image is called: “Gone Crazy. Riding.  out of the bed again”
Every second of my life has become about surviving. I feel not just the life racing thru my being, I feel my death in competition riding neck in neck in a race against each other; both equally determined. I  ride the middle ground thrown about in the current of near defeat to rising up and over-powering my own inevitable death. I hiss, I claw, I scratch and dig my way out of the steel framed box of depression and fatigue I am constantly having to accept will sooner or later pin me down, fell me in my tracks and confine me to an unbearable darkness that sweats and smells of defeat. This endurance contest changed drastically once my cancer began to grow. For an entire year or more my encapsulated liver tumor did not grow. That was sweet. I was stuck with nothing more than the same old liver fatigue I had when I only had Hep C. There was far more space there to believe, to hope, there was happiness there that I did not have to dig so deeply inside myself to find. I still belonged to the world a year ago. That was hard enough but things just wouldn’t stop there. A wild fire rushed in to feed my tumor and things began to spin out of control. Rising up against the fatigue and depression of cancer is often out of my reach and I am dragged drowing beneath the surface of my little life I so love. But I have nothing else now but this fight, there is nothing else left of my life except this fight. My puppy needs me, my 38 year old daughter, my 40 year old son need me. I need them. I do not want to leave them so I lie still and suck up the pain of my enertia. Its fortunately still mixed up with an over-powering desire to live. My work is getting that desire to over-ride the fatigue of liver cancer. Its daunting to say the least to begin the work of “how to get out of bed,” I go to sleep at night wondering if there will be life flowing thru my veins the next day. My life has become rest, fuel, ride, be kind in your thoughts to yourself girl, you must get out of life all on your own just like all before you and all who will follow you. So ride, ride for your life, ride to find joy, ride so others can ride well just as those who went before showed you how to. Sometimes our last act is our most significant contribution. Be thankful not angry, remember all those unable to be born, those who had such a small taste of life, all who went too young and yes its true, there is no age when I will be ready to quit fighting to live. These thoughts are the mantras I cycle to..its right now to mount that bike and ride some sweet island trade winds. Aloha

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10 thoughts on “Just Breathe

  1. It does hurt when you talk of your family and your little 🐶.you know me by know and I care more for animals and I have seen you beautiful little dog that I thought was a corgi it does hurt to read this I have to say

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      1. i love the way you put your feelings down on paper and i feel them and i love to see your pictures of yourself hanging upside down and with your hoops, i know im alive when im dancing and moving. i cant see that you will ever be defeated as you have lived a very full productive life in my eyes helping so many others in the same boat.life is a journey and we will all move on to where ever it is that we go, we never can be defeated because this is the way and the truth for all of us. i do understand the feelings of not being able bodied and lying there doing not very much thats the mind in this life trying to get us down. thats the worst part for me. this mind of mine. it wont leave me alone. i must try to find a way through and not let it drag me down. i must learn to give myself peace.at the same time i feel i have no right to comment and want to score all this away. one day it will apply to me. one day. its myself im talking to. with you. all my love. thanks so much for sharing everything with us catfishjumpin i love everthing that you have said and i feel the same way. bless you.

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  2. Thank you Ruby. It helps me so much writing my blog but it helps me twice as much when support like yours comes rolling in. We are all like reflectors, we are mirrors reflecting back to each other a more full imagine of ourselves. This is how we most need each other. Aloha

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